In conversations, when someone speaks at a similar pace as we do, we generally feel a sense of ease, perhaps even unconsciously a sense of trust (depending on the information being shared).
We all have our ‘natural’ (or learned) way of speaking, which can range on a continuum from slower paced to faster paced.
As professional coaches, whether we realize it or not, we are always modeling good, or poor communication through our presence, including the way we speak. Many coaching clients say to me near the end of a coaching engagement, that the way I asked questions, the way I left space for them to respond, or the way I gave myself time to consider my next response, was as impactful as the content of the coaching conversations. What a great reminder that our presence and way of communicating has a much greater impact on others than we realize.
Aside from matching the pacing of our client, we can deliberately choose our pace of speaking to be faster or slower than the client. For example, when first meeting a client, I seek to closely match the client pace of speaking, because that is likely to be rapport and trust building.
As we continue in our coaching relationship, there are choices a coach can make.
For example, if my client speaks rapid pace, I may deliberately choose to speak a little below their pacing, yet not so slowly that it may be a big mismatch with the client. I may also deliberately take a few seconds (or more) before responding to the client with a next question or observation, which can model for the client that it’s okay to take time to consider one’s response.
It’s likely that the client way of communicating with me, is indicative of how they communicate with others. So my way of communicating may be supporting them to become better at pacing with others, or allowing others space to speak, or giving themselves time to consider before they respond.
I will deliberately let a client know what I’m doing, such as, “Let me pause for a moment to consider what I want to ask you next.” Then take time (such as 10 seconds or longer) before I respond. I may have an intuitive sense of something, and by giving myself space, I may be able to more fully access in order to speak it. Also, giving ourselves space instead of automatically speaking, can support the coach to take a breath, and speak more simply and succinctly. Often a coach will share their own stream of words and be more connected to coach own thoughts and ideas. Which could be confusing to the client as to what to respond to from all the words the coach just said.
I know it can seem unfair that the client can speak as long as they want to. Yet a skilled coach aims for simplicity. The degree to which a coach can speak simply is often a sign of the development of the coach’s mastery of their coaching presence, and coaching skill.
If a coach speaks faster than their client – or without allowing space for the client to respond – the coach may be hurrying the client along, coaching at the pace of the coach. The client is ‘doing the work’ of considering their response to questions, reflecting, emoting, processing and integrating – which all require more space. The client is having an ‘inside out’ experience, while the coach is on the outside of the client process.
“To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy.” ~ Will Durant
If my client is slower paced in their way of speaking and I’m ‘naturally’ faster paced, I deliberately slow down my pacing to more closely match the client. By doing so, many introverted clients think I’m ‘like them,’ when I’m more in the middle between introverted and extroverted behaviors. Earlier in life, I exhibited a lot more extroverted behavior, and was unconscious of my impact on more introverted people I was communicating with (well, on everyone I was communicating with )
In Closing….
We have a greater influence than we may realize through our pace of speaking, as well as how we use our face and body when speaking and listening. We may think we have a natural pace of speaking, and yet is it? Perhaps it’s learned behavior such as a belief that the person who speaks first, is the smartest. This is often left over conditioning from school where the kid who answers the quickest is seen as smart. Yet we know that isn’t necessarily true – many introverted kids are far smarter than the quickest to respond.
Written by Carly Anderson, MCC
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