When looking up to the night sky, perhaps with a full moon over the ocean, what feeling do you experience? Even if you’ve never experienced exactly that scenario, simply gazing up to the night sky with stars, clouds and the moon, can evoke emotions, including wonder and awe.
I regularly find myself in this feeling experience, as every night after dinner, I walk with my husband for about 20 minutes. The night sky changes from one moment to the next, clouds appear to move faster or slower, the moon is a slither or all the way to full. There’s a planet more visible some nights than others. I feel somehow different, more present, more curious.
Presence of a Coach
The feeling state I just described is very similar to that of a masterful coach; being in curiosity about our coaching client, while not knowing what this client – today – is going to explore or discover for themselves. There is respect and reverence for this unique person, with their unique set of circumstances, their background, their culture, their hopes.
No matter the experience level of a coach, we can cultivate this state. A relaxed, curious, present coach has a different impact on a client than a hyperactive, always speaking, “no space” coach.
Whether we realize it or not, we are always modeling presence in our lives and in this case as a professional coach. Even if not consciously, our client notices how we speak, how we respond, and how much space we give them to explore their own thinking, approaches, feelings, experiences, imaginings.
Space; what is it?
The Updated ICF Core Competency Model names space as a coaching competency and skill.
Core Competency #5, “Maintains Presence” sub-point 6; “Creates or allows space for silence, pause or reflection.”
This is the skill of intentionally allowing more silence, rather than coach continuing to speak. The client might be considering a question the coach just asked them and the coach is present and hears the client is processing, and deliberately allows space for the client to further explore what they’re thinking and/or feeling.
More on this later in this article.
Outer space
Having (outer) space in our everyday life is one of the most precious things we can “possess.” Having too little space creates stress, anxiety, and often less effectiveness. We have too much to do, too many responsibilities, too many back-to-back meetings, too many family obligations, too many impending deadlines, too many business or professional requirements or expectations.
One reason we go on vacation or holiday is to get some space from daily living requirements. Although it can also be easy to over-schedule oneself on a vacation, and simply replicate the same busyness and no space, as when at home.
Our daily experience of “too many” often creates “too little” space. Ensuring more “open space” where there is nothing scheduled, can improve our well being while also being more productive. Not having enough space impacts us greatly, perhaps more than we may at times realize.
If we have no space in our life, we may find our coaching clients are mirroring our experience, bringing a coaching focus of being overwhelmed with too much to do, unable to prioritize or even have time to plan in order to be more effective and productive.
We can examine our own daily experience, and do what we can to be conscious of how much we commit to doing in our own life, personally and professionally.
Inner space
No matter how much we have to do, how many things we are engaging with in our personal or professional contexts, we can consciously cultivate inner space. A hyperactive presence has a different effect on a client than a relaxed and fully alert presence.
One the Ten Characteristics of MCC Skill Level is the quality of “Spaciousness.” Here’s an excerpt from what I write;
“One of the most amazing gifts we can give to a client is the gift of silence, and spaciousness, so there is plenty of opportunity for your client to further reflect and dig more into their self-knowledge.
Spaciousness is characterized by allowing space after the client stops speaking and before the coach starts speaking. You’re not filling the space in the background with small sounds or words (hmmm, ahhhh, yeahhhh….) Some of this is empathetic and supportive; and sometimes small sounds and words shift the attention to the coach. If you are fully connected to your client, the spaciousness will feel grounded and full and the small sounds and words, if any, will feel connected and empathetic toward the client.
Sometimes the coach is just uncomfortable with the client speaking a lot. Instead of observing the client’s Way of Being as they communicate with them, the coach is busy in their head formulating the next thing they’re going to say. You can hear the spaciousness is not rich and full; it’s empty and void of curiosity. The coach isn’t present in this moment to not only what the client is saying, but how they are expressing themselves and what they are not saying.”
We can examine our own daily experience of inner space, which is often associated with ease, a no-hurry mindset, and being present in the moment.
Personally, I love being highly productive and getting a lot done. I love having a to-do list I can cross off items each day! Yet my intention is always to be fully present in every moment, to feel relaxed, grounded and spacious as I go about being highly productive. I want the experience I have to be embodied, not disembodied and living in my head just getting through my to-do list.
I personally have a lot of practices to support me be present, and spacious. Here’s an article I wrote on practices to develop and maintain presence.
Why our coaching client needs space
A coaching client needs more space than we realize, because the client is having their own in-body experience. The client is being asked questions they might not have ever considered. Or the coach offers observations about the client that required more reflection time for the client to consider.
Conversely, the coach is not having the client rather their own in-body experience which is not the same as considering answers to questions and observations.
It generally takes more effort to answer questions we don’t know the answers to, or consider observations that we might not otherwise receive. Which is why the client needs more space than the coach may realize.
When a client has an awareness emerge, an aha or wow moment, the client benefits from the coach continuing to be silent and allow space for the client to further unpack what is emerging for them. Isn’t that what we want for clients: to have moments of awareness, which means some new or different thinking, feeling or perspective on themselves or their situation is emerging. With more awareness, and possibly new perspectives available, the client can then have expanded clarity and even more confidence on how to move forward.
We allow space, which requires silence by the coach, so the client can gain the benefits of the questions or observations.
In closing…
Consider examining your relationship with space and comfort with being silent…for longer than you might otherwise consider enough space and silence.
- How would you describe your daily experience of your life? Too busy, too much going on, just right, not enough?
- If you realize you have too much to do, are rushing to the next event, and its more than a passing experience for a period of time, then what can be adjusted? What are you willing to let go of? Change? Ask for support around?
- There are often beliefs to examine, around what it means to be busy and productive versus spacious and productive. Some might feel afraid to have space for themselves, to create times of silence, because being with ourselves without a whole lot to do, means thoughts and feelings we might otherwise be able to ignore or not address in our life, are there waiting for us. .
Written by Carly Anderson, MCC
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