There’s a paradox at the heart of coaching: clients come to coaching wanting to resolve their dilemmas and challenges, while coaches may feel an equally strong desire to resolve them for their clients.
At first glance, both desires seem entirely reasonable.
Yet this is where the paradox begins. A client’s desire for resolution can create an expectation that the coach will provide “the right answer,” while the coach’s desire to be helpful can create an impulse to do exactly that. When these desires reinforce each other, coaching can shift from curiosity and facilitating client self-discovery to directing the client toward the coach’s preferred solution.
The coach may draw on expert knowledge or lived experiences they perceive as “the same” as the client’s situation. Yet the very act intended to help can instead reduce the client’s opportunity to think, feel, ponder, discover and decide what is true for them.
The client may discount their own thoughts, feelings or intuitions and accept the coach’s ideas instead. This can especially occur when a client feels vulnerable, lacks self-confidence or faces an unfamiliar situation. Even positive changes, such as a new role, a new life situation or a vision finally coming into reach, can bring discomfort and uncertainty.
Curiosity, “slightly confused” and “not knowing” 
“I’ve always been really curious about things and slightly confused by the world, and I think someone who feels that way is in a good position to be the one asking questions.” ~ Terry Gross
Terry Gross is a journalist and a host of the long-running American NPR program “Fresh Air.” Their observation suggests that curiosity and a sense of confusion about the world can be strengths when asking questions.
Terry Gross’s observation offers a useful stance for coaches. Curiosity keeps us open to what we do not yet understand, while feeling “slightly confused” reminds us not to assume that our interpretations are correct. “Not knowing” is a term often used in coach training to remind us that we can never fully know what it’s like to be the client. Yet the idea of Not Knowing can directly challenge a coach’s belief about where their value lies.
In coaching, this mindset allows the coach to remain with the client’s experience rather than rushing to organize it, explain it or solve it. The coach’s questions then give the client time to explore how they see the world, rather than leading them toward an answer the coach already has in mind.
Perhaps the coach’s real value lies in staying curious long enough for the client’s own knowing to emerge.
What makes staying in the coaching role difficult?
What makes staying in the coaching role difficult?Staying in this curious space can create tension for coaches who want to give clients time and space to listen inwardly, connect with their self-knowledge and arrive at meaningful insights.
Yet coaching is often presented—and purchased—with an expectation that the coach will also be a trainer, mentor or subject-matter expert who provides answers, models and direction. Each role offers value, yet they are not the same as coaching.
Because of past personal and professional experiences, a person’s identity can be significantly shaped by being rewarded for what they know, having knowledge and sharing information. Participating in coach training programs to become a Professional Coach can bump up against that identity. The idea of being curious, slightly confused and not knowing, is at-odds with how they have been valued.
Giving clients space and time to explore their responses to the coach’s questions and observations can feel uncomfortable, especially when the coach thinks they know the answer or perceives the client as “struggling” to respond. Yet with patience, presence and spaciousness, the coach can support clients in discovering that they know more about themselves and their situations than they initially realize. Coaching offers a dedicated space to be heard and to listen to themselves – space clients may rarely experience elsewhere.
For me, I love to mentor, and I use that strength in my mentor coaching programs both individual and group mentoring. As well as educate by creating a program for mentor coach education to meet ICF MCS requirements.
In the group mentor coaching portion, there is both experiential learning and specific knowledge I share as an expert on the ICF Core Competencies. However, when I’m coaching, I love to coach and not blend roles. One public example available is the “Butterfly on the Wall” Coaching Series where there are 15 consecutive coaching sessions with one client that demonstrate being in coaching mindset throughout each session.
Establishing agreements about coaching and other roles
Before accepting a coaching engagement, the coach and potential client or sponsor need to discuss their understanding of coaching and compare coaching philosophies. The coach has a responsibility to explain how they coach, including what coaching is and is not, so both parties can decide whether the approach is a good fit.
Coaching gives clients space to consider their responses to open-ended questions, comments and observations from their coach, and time to explore the thoughts and feelings that arise from within. This differs from training, mentoring and consulting, where knowledge and information are introduced from outside the client.
A mutual agreement can address several questions:
- What does the client/sponsor understand coaching to be?
- When, if ever, would the client want the coach to share expertise or experience?
- How will the coach share that expertise or experience?
- How will either person signal that the conversation has become too directive?
- How will the coach and client return to a coaching approach?
If the client wants the coach to take on other roles, such as training or mentoring, the coach has choices to consider:
- The coach can agree to take on other roles and clearly explain how each role will support the coaching and how those roles will be used in a coaching engagement.
- The coach may recognize that they want to provide coaching when engaged as a coach and choose to decline the engagement to be in integrity with themselves.
These two choices also apply to coaches considering work as independent contractors for a coaching company. A key question is: Can I act in integrity with myself while being asked to do more than coaching within a coaching session?
Role clarity also needs to be maintained within individual coaching sessions. If the client asks for advice, information or a model, the coach can pause rather than automatically shifting roles. The coach can explain they would first like to explore what the client is already thinking or considering, because the client may have more wisdom about the situation than they initially realize. Once the client has shared, the coach can consider whether offering expertise would add to – or take away from – what the client has discovered or remembered. For me personally, I rarely find that offering more would be of value, and would be for my ego to prove what I know. And I do my best to keep my ego out of my coaching and instead trust the client wisdom that has emerged.
Drawing on expertise while staying in the coaching role
Drawing on expertise while staying in the coaching roleEvery coach has a responsibility to develop expertise in coaching presence and the use of coaching skills. A coach can draw on expert knowledge to inform the questions and observations they offer, while remaining curious about what is true for the client.
For example, a coach may have knowledge of imposter syndrome. A client describes receiving positive feedback yet worries that others will discover they are not as capable as they appear. Rather than educating the client about imposter syndrome, the coach might ask, “What do you make of the difference between the feedback you’re receiving and how you see yourself?” The coach’s knowledge informs the question, while the client has space to explore their own experience without being given a label or steered toward the coach’s interpretation.
Defining distinct phases within an engagement 
One approach is to define distinct phases within an engagement, with an initial consulting or training phase. During this phase, the coach-as-consultant might gather information through assessments, a client intake questionnaire or 360 interviews. You may also act in the role of trainer, introducing and explaining specific models, allowing time for conversation with the client to support their understanding. All of this is for the client – with the support of their coach – to create meaningful outcomes for their coaching engagement and create a development plan.
Once a coaching development plan has been agreed, the next phase is to shift from consulting and training and fully into coaching. The client now leads coaching sessions by determining their desired session focus and outcome. This is where the client might explore how to apply concepts, models or assessment insights to their real situations. The coach listens with curiosity, offering questions and observations that give the client space and time to test their ideas and make connections for themselves.
Another approach is to agree at the beginning of each coaching session which roles will be useful and how much time to allocate to each. For example, as the client shares what they are bringing to the session, they may identify a situation they want to explore through coaching. The agreement is then for the coach to remain fully in the coaching role throughout the session. In another session, the client may want a deeper understanding of a model or part of their assessment. The coach and client agree that further explanation would be useful. Even so, the coach can still partner with the client by listening for where a coaching question could help them, rather than continuing to share more information.
Offering a tool, article, or resource
Coaches can be too quick to decide that a client would benefit from reading a book, a white paper or learning more about a specific model. If the client asks for a resource, follow their lead and clarify what they are seeking. Ask more questions about the client’s learning preferences rather than assuming they share your own. For example, some of my clients say they don’t want to read a book and would much prefer to watch a video that explains the concept.
In closing…
The first role of a coach is to coach. Clear agreements help the coach and client understand what coaching is and is not. Expertise can inform – yet not replace – a coach’s curiosity, questions and observations.
Written by Carly Anderson, MCC
Are you ready to prepare for your next ICF credential, or renew your credential?
Want to work with an experienced MCC Mentor Coach?
The Mentor Coaching Group Program is an ICF approved individual / group mentor coaching program. Approved for 30 of ICF Core Competency CCEs, including 10 hours of mentor coaching. For comparison between my MCC program, and Level 3, go to Q6 on FAQs page
Program now open!
Group #88 MCC Mentor Coaching Program commencing February 10, 2027
Visit this page for more information
I offer a rich, experiential mentor coaching group and individual program that has many exclusive offerings for participants. You can read some testimonials from real people, FAQs, or find out more about The Mentor Coaching Program here
I offer other products including The Upgraded Target Approach: Illuminating the ICF Core Competencies. You can find more products for coaches here
I hold the Mentor Coach Specialization (MCS) designation for ACC, PCC and MCC mentor coaching, which is a requirement for all mentor coaches to have commencing January 1, 2027. I offer mentor coach education via our Mentor Coach Mastery website
I’m passionate about supporting the professionalism of coaching, which includes often engaging in ICF projects as a volunteer to continue to develop and evolve our profession. As at May 2026, I’m co-leader of the newly launched ICF Global Mentor Coaching Community of Practice. I’m also 2026 Co-Leader of the ICF Los Angeles Credentialing SIG.
A long term experienced and continuously active ICF Assessor since 2005, assessing and mentoring for all 3 credential levels. I have listened to and evaluated over 2,000 coaching session recordings between ICF assessing and my mentor coaching clients. As at June 2026, 235 coaches I’ve mentored for their MCC preparation have passed ICF MCC exam process (that I know of), as well as hundreds of coaches passed their ACC and PCC exam process. Mentor coaching clients have access to an incredible and exclusive member-only library that includes 40+ coaching recordings that have actually passed ICF MCC, PCC and ACC credential process.