Assisting our coaching client to explore their stories

As a way to attempt to make sense of our experiences, we often create a story about what is happening, or what happened. Stories can be an account of factual events, or how we interpret and recall events.

The crafting of stories can also be a creative way for us to explore our world, and other ‘worlds.’ Think of your favorite book, movie or television series and why you love it. Chances are, it’s a story you enjoy.

One of my favorite fictional characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Dr Strange, who has a superpower of conjuring spells. As well as through the use of the Time Stone, he can manipulate time, rewind events and create time loops. Such a fascinating concept to me! From the 2016 Dr Strange movie, I also thoroughly enjoyed the character of the “Ancient One” played spectacularly by Tilda Swinton.

As I write above about these characters, I’m beginning to connect to their stories, and the stories I interpret about their stories. Also, aspects of the story I relate to, or aspire to. For example, thinking about my relationship with time, has application in my daily life. And then there’s a whole lot of fantasy about superpowers that’s just plain fun.

Barriers to exploring our client stories

Our coaching clients bring their stories to each session. We may not think of what our client says as a story, yet we could. What our client shares is rich, if we choose to perceive it that way – with curiosity, deep listening, and non-judgment.

Each client story is from their perspective, so likely includes some factual and some interpretation of how they experienced an event. Client stories have content – the words they say. As well as the way the client is expressing themselves through their energy, facial and body motions.

The biggest potential barrier to exploring our client stories is the coach mindset. If a coach holds that the client is talking ‘too much’ in the telling of their story, the coach will not be listening fully to their client.

As coaches, we hold ‘curiosity’ as the mindset that will be of most service to our client. The moment we lose our curiosity, we become closed-minded and judgmental. We believe the client is wasting time with their ‘story’ and the coach may act dismissively. This includes coach interrupting the client, or redirecting the client without a clear reason for doing so; other than a coach belief that the client might be ‘rambling’ or taking ‘too much time’ telling their story.

The following ICF Core Competencies provide guidelines about ways a coach listens, and responds, to their client.

Competency 4: Cultivates Trust & Safety.
Sub-point 2, “[Coach] demonstrates respect for the client’s identity, perceptions, style and language and adapts one’s coaching to the client.”

Competency 5: Maintains Presence.
Sub-point 5.2, “[Coach] demonstrates curiosity during the coaching process.”
Sub-point 5.5, “[Coach] is comfortable in a space of not knowing.”

Core Competency 6: Listens Actively.
Definition, “[Coach] focuses on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression.”
Sub-point 6.3, “[Coach] recognizes and inquires when there is more to what the client is communicating.”

Competency 7: Evokes Awareness.
Definition, “[Coach] facilitates client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor and analogy.”

Reframing how to listen to client stories

How might you listen to your client if from the perspective of elements of a story they are telling, knowing there’s likely to be a combination of factual and interpretive information shared?

For example, like a good story, a coach could listen for any of the following…and ask the client any of these questions:

• What’s the plot – the sequence of events the client is describing?
• What’s the setting – where is this story taking place?
• Who are the characters – besides your client, who is involved?
• Where does the power or lack of power lie – with the client, someone else?
• What type of story is it – a drama, fantasy, adventure, comedy, thriller?
• What’s the tone of the story – including emotion and energy being expended?
• What’s the conflict – the struggle the client is facing, with themselves, or others?
• What’s the plot twist – where did something change in the client beliefs, values, perspective? Or in the situation they are facing?
• What’s the moral of the story – overcoming adversity, expanding capability, becoming ready for something new?
• What’s the resolution the client is seeking – within themselves, or in their environment

Example One

Your coaching client says, “Things just aren’t going my way and it’s been quite awhile since I had a big win. If I don’t have some more big wins soon, I’m doomed at this company.”

A coach listens with curiosity and non-judgment. Some responses might be:

• I’m sensing a sequence of events has led to feeling doomed – what more can you say about the impact of those events on you?
• What does ‘doomed’ mean to you?
• What’s your definition of a ‘big win?’

A coach can challenge the seeming truth of the story by asking questions such as,

• What do you feel is going your way?
• What does it mean, “things just aren’t going my way?”

The value of exploring client stories

When a client has awareness about various aspects of their story, they can begin to further write, choose to rewrite, add another chapter, or change their story altogether.

When a coach supports a client to gain more awareness about different aspects of their story, the client can feel more empowered about what to do, or not do. With awareness – about our behavior, way of thinking, or feeling – we can begin to consider different ways to act, think or feel.

Example Two

Maybe your client says something that seems to conflict with something else they say. For example, in a coaching session, your client Peter says to you, “I really want to move on from this situation with how John took over my meeting. It’s over. It’s done.” Only to say a few minutes later, “Yeah, that’s typical of John. He never listens to what anyone else has to say.”

As coaches, we aim to be curious, unattached and uninvolved in our client situation. Which gives us the ability to ask a variety of questions our client may not otherwise consider. We may also offer observations about our client’s behavior, and emotions.

Here are some example questions around different parts of Peter’s ‘story’:

• Peter, what is the impact of John’s behavior on you?
• What has to happen for you to feel, “it’s done” with John?
• It doesn’t seem it’s done for you, is that so?
• What is most upsetting to you about what John did?
• What’s your ongoing experience of being heard by John?
• Where else does not feeling heard show up for you?
• If you were to tell the ‘story’ of your relationship with John, what type of story would it be?
• If you were to examine the ‘story’ you are holding about yourself, what do you notice?

To potentially expand Peter’s awareness about ways perceiving himself, and others:

• Peter, how would you describe your reaction to John’s behavior?
• What is your belief about people who behave like John?
• How do you typically respond when people take over a meeting that you were supposed to be leading?
• You said you want to move on from this situation, and then you said that John never listens to what others have to say. How do these two statements relate?
• What might be another reason you can think of to explain why John took over your meeting?

To potentially bring awareness to disparities between thoughts, feelings and actions.

• Peter, how would you describe the emotions you’re experiencing about what happened in the meeting?
• When John took over your meeting, how did you respond?
• Peter, you said, “It’s over. It’s done.” Then you spoke about John again in a way that indicates it’s not over and not done. What more can you share?
• If you could approach John with safety to speak freely, what would you want to say?

In Closing…

Our stories can be disheartening.
Our stories can be uplifting.
Our stories can disempower us.
Our stories can motivate us.

Our client stories are rich.

Written by Carly Anderson, MCC

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