It’s a very common trait for people to modify or create unique words and ways of speaking. This occurs in any culture, any type of sport, any specific group, and any type of personal or professional setting.
One of my passions is watching high performing athletes in action, and each sport has their unique words and terms. For example, in NFL (American Football) common terms include line of scrimmage, red zone, fumble, sack. In Tennis, common terms include deuce, love, add, bagel. In Snowboarding, common terms include progression, goofy, NBD (never been done). In Bikram hot yoga (my ongoing practice of choice) common terms include the dialogue, the hot room, pranayama, savasana.
When learning professional coaching skills, we are introduced to the unique words and terms used by coaches such as coaching mindset, partnering, presence, session structure, offering without attachment.
Every client is unique
Our coaching clients use words and terms in their unique ways too. When the coach becomes attuned to hearing and using them, an opportunity for trust deepens as our client feels seen and heard.
The number of customized questions and observations a coach asks indicates the skill level of the coach. The more general or standard questions a coach asks, the less deep listening is being demonstrated. The more customized questions a coach asks, the depth of listening has increased, and the coach is honoring the uniqueness of each client.
Some examples of general coaching questions (not customized)
If the question or comment the coach asks could apply to a thousand people, it’s not customized.
Examples:
- Who do you need to be?
- What would that make possible for you?
- How does that make you feel?
- What are your next steps?
The first two general questions offered above are also examples of coaching jargon: Who do you need to be? What would that make possible for you? They are insider terms a fellow coach understands, yet not so easily understood by most people outside the coaching profession.
Some examples of customized questions
For the following examples, let’s say your client says they are moving so fast they are making mistakes, yet are challenged by slowing down their pace.
- What thoughts are you aware of when you are moving fast?
- What’s different about you when you slow down?
- What changes for you when you slow down?
- What beliefs do you have about slowing down?
- How do you feel about slowing down?
- The next time you notice you are moving fast, what will motivate you to slow down?
When reading the customized questions offered above, you may notice a different depth of reflection is required to respond to them.
There are times when asking a general question is appropriate because it’s responsive to what the client is saying. Maybe the client is speaking about what they are thinking about doing next, and the coach’s general question is responsive in that case: “What is going to be your next step?” Most important is for the coach to be aware of how often they use general questions, in lieu of asking customized questions incorporating the client’s words and terms.
Full Being Attunement
As coaches, we need to be present to the full being experience of each client. There are multiple ways a client expresses themselves and the skilled coach is attuned to the specific ways of each client and customize their response. Aside from thinking and mental processing, a client may also express themselves by using visual language such as metaphor, or relating through their body sensations, or their emotional information.
Metaphor
Metaphor is a holistic form of communication that can reduce the need for a lot of mental processing of data and thinking, because it offers a “full being” experience for the client. This means multiple senses are often activated at once – visual, emotional, sensory, storytelling, motion, imagination, creativity.
The client’s visual language is a rich resource for crafting customized questions and observations. An example of metaphor might be the client saying about their current situation, “it’s a heavy weight to carry.”
The coach might inquire in a customized way. Here are some examples:
- What else do you know about carrying a heavy weight?
- You said it’s a heavy weight to carry, what type of weight is it?
- Where are you carrying that heavy weight?
- How weighty is the weight?
- You said it’s a heavy weight, compared to what?
- If carrying a heavy weight was a metaphor, what do you imagine?
Body Sensations
Some clients are aware of what’s happening in their body as they speak. One client might say, “it’s a heavy weight to carry” while holding their hand to their chest area. Or the client is aware they are hunching their shoulders forward or inhaling slowly and deeply and may speak to what they’re experiencing, without an observation or question from the coach.
Other clients are unaware of their body sensations until the coach offers an observation. The client may have peripheral awareness, yet not pay attention to their sensations until the coach observes to the client.
The skilled coach is always seeking to customize their responses to what is occurring with the client in the moment.
Examples might be:
- As you said it’s a heavy weight to carry, you inhaled slowly and deeply. What’s there for you?
- When you said it’s a heavy weight to carry, there seemed to be emotion present, what do you notice?
- When you said it’s a heavy weight to carry, you emphasized ‘heavy.’ What was behind that?
Emotional Information
Emotions are primary drivers of our behavior. If we feel excited about seeing someone, we have a different response toward that person than if we feel resentment toward someone.
It might be the client tone of voice changes as they speak, tears are present, the client pace of speaking increases or decreases, or the coach observes the client is moving their body in ways that indicate more is occurring than the words alone.
The opportunity is for the coach to be present to what is occurring and perhaps with empathy and sensitivity to the moment, customize their response.
Some examples might be:
- There seemed to be less energy in your voice when you said, “it’s a heavy weight to carry.” What do you notice?
- How are you feeling as you speak about the heavy weight you are carrying?
Indicators a coach is not customizing to their client 
Sometimes a coach mismatches their client way of speaking. For example, the client begins speaking 20 times in a coaching session with, “I feel….” Yet the coach responds 20 times with, “I think.” Or the coach primarily relates from visual (I see) and the client is primarily relating from sensing (I sense).
Another indicator of mismatching the client is when the coach uses their own metaphor instead of working with the client metaphor. An example might be the client says that what’s ahead of them is a “blank canvas.” The coach might immediately perceive their own image and say something like, “I got an image of a bird flying high in the sky looking over the vastness of the terrain below them.”
Whoa! What just happened? The client is the center of the coach’s attention, yet the coach has now essentially ignored the client’s metaphor in favor of their own. This can derail the client from trusting their own knowing, intuition, imagination or creativity.
Another indicator of the coach mismatching the client is if the client is experiencing emotion that brings tears. Or there’s an indication through tone of voice or body language that there is emotion just below the surface. Instead of being present to what is occurring, the coach asks a question that takes the client away from their current state. Perhaps the coach is uncomfortable with emotions, or isn’t attuned to the “full being” of their client.
As an example, the client might say, “my head is spinning and I feel out of control” with a tone of voice that indicates emotions are present. The coach immediately asks a question that is more ‘what’ focused than ‘who’ focused such as, “What’s the next step?” The coach is not responsive to the moment, and is taking the client to a future logical thought. Or the coach decides in that moment to do a process check-in such as, “What progress are you making to your desired session outcome?”
Another indicator of the coach mismatching the client is anytime the coach shares an intuition or sensing, that seems out of left field to where the client is. Or naming emotions as if they are true for the client, without checking if true for the client. It’s the difference between the coach saying, “You’re angry as you say that” instead of “There seems like emotion present for you, what would you call it?”
In closing…
In the Target Approach to the ICF Core Competencies, the ability to cultivate trust and safety with a client is related to what the coach is present to and responding to. When there’s a mismatch like the examples above, the level of client honesty and vulnerability to share more is likely lessened.
Some coaches I mentor say their clients don’t want to share about themselves or don’t express emotions. As our work together progresses, the coach may realize their client doesn’t share at those levels because the coach isn’t present to those levels. There may be discomfort in the coach being present with the complexities of a human being, maybe because they are uncomfortable being present with such in themselves.
There are many aspects to customizing to our coaching client. A great joy in coaching for me is being able to use client way of expressing themselves as my central guide to how I craft questions and observations in response. The level of transparency, honesty and vulnerability most often increases, as the client feels more deeply seen, felt and heard.
Written by Carly Anderson, MCC
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